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If ever Canada had an ambition, it is to become the 51st state. Every child in the country knows it growing up, as we do, reciting the pledge of allegiance and listening, generation after generation, to Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA” until records warp, CDs wear down, or smart phone batteries die.
It’s all the better, then, that returning Republican president Donald Trump advanced the great cause when he ‘joked’ that if Canada can’t withstand the effects of an American tariff, it might as well fold the border and get used to even bigger suburban Walmarts and extra-extra value meals.
One would hope for a peaceful annexation, of course. No one wants another war. That’s something other countries do – and Canada pretends it doesn’t. Wouldn’t be polite, so we keep the details of our belligerence or complicity between friends – friends like the U.S., as it happens.
The advance team has been preparing for the peaceful annexation for decades, slowly wearing down the all-too-Canadian cultural particularities that were meant to tie together 5,500 kilometres of disparate federation and occupied Indigenous lands. The policy fights of the 1980s and 1990s look quaint in hindsight, as the arts and culture industries hoped to preserve something distinct – cold, arctic even, and all that – from the onslaught of Yankee-isms broadcast or trucked and traded across the border.
Free trade agreements and the internet won. Now, we all get to watch the same YouTube and TikTok videos and wear the same Adidas sneakers. When Pierre Poilievre becomes prime minister and smothers the CBC in its sleep, the prophecy will be fulfilled. We’ll have MSNBC and Fox and CNN with the volume turned down for all our waiting rooms.
It’s called progress. Look it up.
A seat at the table as the 51st state would be a fine deal for Canada, united at last by federation, but of a different sort. United and freed from so many day-to-day worries. There would be no need to stress about the value of the Canadian dollar – which would be jettisoned as we adopt the global reserve currency. No concern about “securing” the border to avoid tariffs, because there would be no border. Problem solved. Easy, peasy lemon squeezy.
Some Canuck patriots will bristle at annexation, I’m sure. Some people are so particular about things like socialized health insurance, crumbling as it is. Some aren’t fans of draconian and deadly laws that limit what people can do with their bodies. Some dislike all the guns and especially people who discharge them in the general direction of a public that’s merely out minding its business and going about its day. Some would miss pinning a maple leaf on their backpack when touring the globe, making sure everyone in the hostel is aware that they are absolutely, positively, utterly not American. Everyone would have to figure out Fahrenheit and miles and the oh-so-appropriately-named Imperial system.
Those are all valid concerns but have those same people considered how much they’d save on cross-border shipping and hassle? No more renting a P.O. box stateside to ship your Target orders and schlepping over the 49th parallel, trying to sort out which lane to take and making nervous chit chat with a border guard. Also, Trader Joe’s everywhere. Cheap flights to Las Vegas on Alaska Airlines. Maybe more Taylor Swift concert dates.
Seriously, does anybody still need convincing at this point?
Not that it’s a done deal, but I’m starting to get excited. The benefits, some of which are listed here, are many. But one stands out above them all: a world in which Canada isn’t endlessly obsessed with defining its own identity, simultaneously craving attention from south of the border and constantly expressing a weariness about being absorbed by the global hegemon that just happens to be our neighbour. Sorry, let me get the spelling right. That would be neighbor.
Comments
Surely you jest. Do you know how many American families are forced into bankruptcy due to medical expenses. The life expectancy of Americans is lower because they can't afford to look after their health. Health is more important than any of the banal "benefits" you pointed to.
Sorry Yankee Dave, I'd rather not have open carry laws here and assault rifles in every home and mass shootings every day. You are welcome to move south though to enjoy those American benefits.
To Deb and Dan, yes I'm pretty sure Dave is...not joking, but definitely being sarcastic.
This reader can be quite critical of Dave, but here his satire is a work of art so good that some readers actually took him as a happy Walmart aisle walker.
The loss of real freedom as experienced in the USA is not something I 'm willing to give up. Everything you've noted as a "valid" point in your article is related to capitalism/money. True freedom isn't reliant on this as we all must share the cost of freedom to truly experience its benefits. An American entropy isn't a valid way forward to achieve this.
Why bother formalizing the union.........we already do whatever they want us to do, particularly when it comes to foreign policy. Nato on the border of Russia, Ukraine encouraged to coup a duly elected government by CIA connivance?? Good on em. Genocide in Gaza, western weapons of mass destruction needed badly....we'll send our share. Unilateral sanctions on any country stupid enough to try and mind its own affairs? We're on board, and really, no discussion of any of it is necessary. Yves Engler can rant on about Haiti all he likes...no one reads him, given the extra expense of books in Canada.
Canadians need to get a grip. We're already on board with American hegemony....albeit in a third class stateroom. Why would those cheap skates want to go to the extra trouble of annexing us??? As it stands, it costs them nothing to maintain us.........and that extra vote...or abstention in the UN, when it comes to matters of human rights is handy to have.
Besides....they no more want to deal with the remnants of the Canadian left than we want to accommodate their open carry laws.......old maids and craven cowards that we are. They have us on board, for nothing....common law relationships being so much more a matter of 'free choice' than the legalese of actual unions.
Those of us with roots in Ukraine -- or Poland, Finland, Sweden, Romania, Moldova, Germany, Georgia etc. etc. -- WANT NATO on the border of Russia to barrier off Russian imperialism and mass murder. The US did not order Finland or Sweden to join NATO, or order Ukraine to apply for membership. Their own people want to be part of the West, and now really need the protection the Wesr offers from another 50 years of Stalin 2.
Your opinion Alex......but a lot of experts are saying now what I intuited two years ago....Ukraine can't win a war against Russia. Not without continued massive support from the west.
It would have been smarter for Ukraine to stay nuetral....be a bridge between the west and the east.
As to old grudges....the past is the past.......living in it and continuing to shill for war is not very 21st. C. The old man versus man conflicts have to give way to all of us together, learning how to deal with the man versus nature conflict currently underway. War, especially old fashioned snailmates like we've got dug in in Ukraine........just ramps up the fossil fuel driven de-stabilization of the climate....beginning already to cost more per year than traditional war.
Amen. And if the US had provided the protection it promised in return for giving up its nuclear weapons, back in 2014, the current war would never have happened.
But the US is rather handy at putting the important parts in the preamble, as a sort of introduction, and then not including it in the body of the agreement (the real, enforceable part).
But we've got their immigration officers in our airports (where nobody has bothered to teach them not to abuse passengers, let alone how to "be nice"), we've got their flag in our cities, we've got their planes flying directly overhead on their shortest routes to wherever, we've got their soldiers based in Alberta. Maybe they could look after their country's responsibility, and just duck over the other side and patrol the border for their leader. Preferably on foot: there's no reason to be scaring the wildlife.
We share at least one border point with them that they don't monitor on either side. But there's a Canadian office: so that when Canadians cross into the US, they have to produce ID, etc.
You forgot to mention growing waistlines and freedom from education. No, I didn't just call Americans fat and stupid. That's a stereotype. It's just that their system makes quality education only affordable for the wealthy and makes zero nutrition food abundantly affordable for the people that can't get their groceries at Whole Paycheque. I can't wait to start gobbling down hamburgers and apple pie!
Plus, if you listen to Richard Wolff, you'll learn that even those prestige American universities are pretty conventional...in part because of the stuffed shirts doing the teaching....having condescended to impart their wisdom to the sons and daughters of the idle rich. Wolff claims to have acquired his ability to argue by being one of the only working class intellectuals lucky enough to share a seat in those halls of vaunted monolgue. Being in the presence of those who know everything.........could be fun for us rough and not quite ready Canucks.
Not in a million years will I ever want to become part of the USA. If it did happen, you can expect an education system geared towards generating more high school dropouts, unless fortunate enough to afford higher education. The USA education system is one of the worst in the world as far as I am concerned. Then only the wealthy could afford healthcare, as our system would just disappear, it's all about the money, that seems to be the Conservative party direction these days.
If it ever happened, that would be the day I would exit Canada and never return, a place I have born, raise and called home for 70 years.
The USA political system is far more corrupt than one can imagine, racist and one that allows a corrupt convicted felon like the Orange Sphincter to become president. The man is corrupt, demented, along with the lunatic fringe party the republicans have become. A party that stands behind religon to justify their corruption.
I assume David Moscrop's article is more in jest than serious, or he has no idea what many Canadians hold dear and the USA will not offer any value becoming part of the corrupt regime it has become. But he might be right, someone like Pierre "Snake Oil Salesman" Poilievre might sells us out, just like Harper did to the China and possible Pee Pee to the USA as PM.
It's time our policical parties put up a solid front against any bullying the USA tries to throw at us. It is time to partner with the rest of the world and screw the USA if we have too.
Hmm…. It might, repeat, emphasis, MIGHT, be worth considering annexation. Let’s say if the United States allowed the 51st state to keep our Parliament, our Medicare (plus our phase-one Pharmacare, of course), our election laws, our gun laws, our tax laws, our two official languages, our flag—and call the combined country Canada.
Anything less is not acceptable. Any Canadian who thinks he’d be happier as an American is welcome to leave.
How close would Mr. PP (who claims to want a "free Canada" while restricting his troops around what they can say and with whom they can associate) and his regressive conservatives bring Canada to succumbing to the anti-choice ideology now consuming our American cousins which he seems to be emulating?
If it comes down to USA or nothing, Denmark, Sweden, the Netherlands and France look pretty good.
I was under the impression that the National Observer is an independent organization with the best interests of Canada at heart, this nonsense article has proven me wrong. I will not be renewing my subscription.
In these times, that kind of sarcasm doesn't really work any more. There's so many people that don't get sarcasm, for one thing. And so many Albertans that really mean it.
Canada is already rimming the bowl with Pee Pee and Harper seeking to flush us down, so the next step could well be into the septic tank we witness south of us.
This article is SARCASTIC to the Nth degree! A reader has to go beyond the mere words.
For 4 centuries, invasion from the south has been a recurring nightmare to the people of the St Lawrence valley. As for confederation in 1867, it was a political will to unite the colonies of British North America against the danger of the Finians' raid and the victorious army of the north that were very annoyed that Britain had encouraged the Confederacy during the civil war.
Of course, I'm totally opposed to Trump's « joke »! But the idea of a merger is always lurking in the shadows. For instance, do a google search with the tags « Dianne Francis, Merger of the Century, 2014 »
I am really surprised that the National Observer would even publish garbage like this. This article in poor taste and an insult to Canadians to even entertain such dribble. If you think the USA way of life is better, you are free to leave this country and don't forget to leave your citizenship behind at the same time.
Would you have got it if he added a "wink" emoji?
This is a great piece of satire! There was a time when Canadian audiences understood it and excelled at producing lots of content in this comedic genre. Sadly from some of the comments here it looks like some people are too angry or hurt to laugh at the absurdity of current affairs.
I'm finally getting around to reading this latest from Mr. Moscrop -- I'm not a big fan -- but I got a chuckle out of this satire.
By contrast, I was truly perplexed and dismayed that there was even one comment, let alone several, from readers who had even a soupçon of doubt that it was written with anything other than tongue firmly in cheek. I mean, the suggestion of "all Taylor Swift, all the time" ought to have been a clue. (oh... wait... https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/taylor-swift-eras-vanco…)
This rude surprise led me to ponder reasons:
1. Trolls, for whom English is a 3rd language and who lack understanding of nuance, have invaded CNO comments (I actually think there are one or two such "contributors", though not necessarily here);
2. Is our education system on a par with that of our southern neighboUr's?
Perhaps we're worse off than I thought.
(Now returning to a fetal position on my chesterfield, with my head within reach of a wall.)